To say that the last few months have been interesting is an understatement. Got one kid off to OSU (Oregon State University) Go Beavs! Got one kid in counseling on well on her way to becoming the woman she dreamed of as a little boy. That other kid?
Stepped out of the family again.
Yeah, I was surprised too, but now that I look closer, not that surprised. Nothing terrible happened, thank goodess. I feel like the timing wasn’t right, she definitely wanted to concentrate on her own health and school. I can respect that, but it doesn’t mean I don’t miss the shit out of her.
Just now, I almost ended that paragraph with a hopeful thought-
I’m gonna be real for a minute, and bear with me: I want so badly for my family to be “complete” that I’ve been damaging my own mental health (and maybe others’) to make it happen. This realization didn’t come by accident… well okay, it was actually an accident that stripped me (metaphorically) bare. Through a mess up with my mail order prescriptions, I did not take my antidepressant for two weeks or more. If you know anything about being on them, you know you just can’t quit cold turkey. I wondered why I’d been having some tightness in my chest, some break-through anxiety and anger. Knock down, drag out meltdown?
Figured it out yesterday. But before that happened, I got tough with myself and asked why the hell I keep pushing so hard? I would never encourage any of my kids to push another person to be in their lives. I wouldn’t do that with the average acquaintance.
Now, before you yell about being a good parent: Don’t we want the best for our kids? Well, what if we aren’t the best thing for our kids? I haven’t done anything wrong, she hasn’t done anything wrong. Maybe the timing wasn’t right. Will it be right in 6 months? I have no idea, it could be a year, 5 years, next week- maybe never? It all makes me sad on all levels, but if I want the best for her I have to acknowledge that maybe I’m not a part of that happiness. Likewise: maybe she’s not part of my happiness. Let that sink in for a hot minute. As much as it hurts to not have someone in your life, how much more painful is it causing trying to keep someone in your life that doesn’t want to be?
Now that I’ve harshed the vibe of the night, I’ll go. But I leave you with this:
Be kind to everyone, you never know what battles they might be fighting.